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I haz a TARDIS

February 2018

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I haz a TARDIS

Yes, it is Bigger on the Inside. (for kellyfookinbee)

Normally, The Doctor loved film geeks, geeks of all kinds. Blimey, he was quite the geek himself.

But if there was fans of a saga of films The Doctor really did not tolerate, Back to the Future's fans had to be on the list. They were incredibly frustrating, infuriating even. Average humans born past the year 1985 had the awful habit of comparing reality to a -in all honesty entertaining- inacuratte portrayal of time traveling. So what if his time machine did not look like a fancy car with doors that lifted themselves and a digital control panel?! His TARDIS was prettier, sexier! Stylish.

And no, he was not going to bring them a hoverbouard souvenir from the year 2015! Why? Because hoverboards were not yet invented in the year 2015!

Mr Fusion, the fusion generator that turned rubbish into energy was the second thing humans-post-1985 complained about. Who on Earth-- Well, rather who on the universe with a little knowledge regarding cold fusion could truly believe that a can of pop, a banana's peel and a couple more items would be plenty to get a time machine moving? Believing that would be as stupid as taking pointers regarding quantic physics from a baby koala. And koala's were brilliant on maths, but not on physics.

This time the Doctor was thankful to have no geek-post-1985 humans making him a thousand questions regarding why he needed that massive ammount of garbage to get working his Sarcroisax-detector working.

He was dragging bags all the way to the spot where his TARDIS had landed, near a pretty lake, somewhere past the year 2010 for what he could see. It was a nice morning to be dragging bags of rubbish. To be leaving a trail of grabage as well. Well, the Sarcroisax would sure take care of that later!



Kelly Bailey was standing in the middle of the park, near the trash bins in her bright orange jumpsuit with her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. She had a grabber in one hand and a black garbage bag in the other. And she looked very, very pissed off.

"Oi, you! I'm fookin' talkin' to ya, mate! Are ya fookin' deaf or somefin?!"

There was a skinny bloke in a brown pinstripe suit and a long tan coat with crazy, sticking-up hair tracking fucking garbage all over the path! Garbage that she was going to have to pick up!

"Helloooooooooooo?" she shouted at him again, starting to storm down the path after him. "Oi, Earth to fookin' Rooster Hair! You're fookin' litterin'! I dunno wot they call it on your home planet yeah? But here we call it gettin' shit everywhere!" Close on his heels, she reached out with her grabber and nicked the tail of his long coat, gripping it tight in the plastic tongs and giving it a good yank backward.
Completely oblivious to the demanding shouts, The Doctor kept dragging the bags towards his TARDIS. He was too busy calculating time and space routes, the exact location where the Sarcroisax had surely landed and judging the smell of Ready-Brek its race usually left behind, how long had it been since the creature had passed by this location.

Until he heard it. Rooster hair.

What mad and clearly creative vocabulary-torturer could have come up with something like that? Oh, the Doctor could think of someone, but Donna...

This was most definitely not Donna. But she was staring at him. Scowling to the painful point that made the Doctor grind his teeth. She was pulling on his coat, no less. His coat and talking to him?!

"I'm Rooster Head
?!" Pointing at himself, the Doctor asked with a squeaky cry.
"Rooster Hair," Kelly corrected him. "Fookin' hell, you really are deaf!" She gave his coat another yank with her grabber, gesturing at the mess he'd tracked all over her path.

"Can't ya see wot ya fookin' did?!" she shouted. "Now I gotta spend another hour pickin' all this shit up all 'coz you ain't watchin' wot you're doin', mate!"

She let go of his coat and thrust the grabber at him. "Well guess wot?" she said. "Now you're gonna pick it all up!"
Grimacing as she kept calling him out, the Doctor shook his head eagerly, denying all accusations. "It's the same I--" But she kept on going. "I'm not--!"

Finally, he ended up raising his palm, shushing her until she was done yelling at him. Holding the grabber to his chest after she shoved it his way, he completely ignored Kelly's command.

"Someone else will clean it. All that. I guarantee it." Sarcroisaxes never left behind such a delicious meal. Specially when candy wraps and worn nappies were involved. "Now, you're holding me back and this is an emergency."

He then hung the end of his bag to his shoulder as if he was some sort of homeless, smartly dressed Santa. Actuvely ignoring her he marched towards the TARDIS.

Pushing the door open with his bum, he dragged the third bag he'd collected in.
"Someone else'll clean it?! I'm the one that's gotta clean it, mate, I'm the someone else! Oh no ya did not just fookin' walk away from me!"

Kelly was seeing red now, and the deep crimson color in her cheeks proved it. She threw down her trash bag but kept a good hold on her grabber, because she was going to beat the shit out of this crazy, skinny wanker with it.

She stormed after him, watching him slip inside a blue police box that she hadn't even noticed was there before. Or maybe she had noticed it, but it just hadn't seemed all that out of the ordinary to her... until now. She stopped the door with her grabber before he could close it, then barged her way in after him...

And stopped short. Furrowing her brows. Extremely confused. "Wot the fuck...?"

The room was huge, and unlike any she had ever seen in her life. It wasn't... it wasn't possible. "But... this woz just..." Taken entirely away from her anger, she retreated out the door. Gave a quick circle around the perimeter of the blue box. Then she went inside again.

Looked at him.

"How's it fookin' bigger on the inside?!"
Arching a brow, the Doctor watched the same old song play again, enjoying it deep withing but playing the uninterested part. Playing it cool.

There it was, the old question. The choice of words was quite colorful, but the meaning the same nevertheless.

"The tennis court wouldn't fit in the basement if it wasn't." He replied as he set the bag down, next to the other two he was previously dragged near to the control panel of his beloved TARDIS.

Shoving the trail of egg-shells, half eaten cornetto cone's and sharph plastic blisters packagings towards the bags, the Doctor wasted no time approaching the rude girl in the jumpsuit.

"One thing." He said while resting his palms on his lower back, a stern look on his face as he clearly judged her. "Two, actually. One: Do not, by any circumstance again, call me a Rooster Hair, Head or any variation of it. Two: Do you know how to program a VCR?"
Kelly just narrowed her eyes at him like he was a fucking lunatic, which, by the looks of it, had to be true - either that, or she was, and imagining all of this from a padded room in Broadmoor.

"A VCR??" she echoed incredulously. "Mate, when do ya think this is, 1996? I ain't had a VCR since I woz a little kid! Don't ya have a Blu-Ray or anyfin?"

She headed boldly over to the strange circular control panel in the center of the room. "There's gotta be a DVD player or somefin in all this mess." She started randomly flipping levers and pushing buttons in search of one.
"That's not--" His jaw dropped, Upcoming Storm scowl he was known for giving, able to terrorize entire civilizations with an arch of his brow- She ignored it completely, yelling at him as she went to poke and pull and twist the controls of the TARDIS.

She did not like it, clearly, being handled so carelessly, and The Doctor could not blame her really. He was utterly gobsmacked, not believing how this human could brush him off, tell him off of all things! He! The last of the Time Lords!

The lights around them began tweaking, te TARDIS shaking in discontent.

"I know!! I know she is gobby and disrespectfu and that we are most defintely not taking her for a ride!" He yelled to assure her, leaping towards the panel console to grab hold of Kelly's wrist and yank them away from the controls.

"Do you have the tiniest, smallest and faintest idea of what you are doing?!" Squeezing his eyes shut he let go of Kelly, shaking his head. "Of course not, you never know, you lot. You'd rather do and later ask." He opened his eyes again, raising a finger he held closely to Kelly's nose, pointing at her. "Normally- Normally I respect, admire even that out of you humans! But this, how can you treat her like this!" He pointed at the TARDIS' control panel then.
"Wot?!" Kelly shouted, totally confused. "Why ya talkin' like that? Like you're some bloke with a hard-on for 'is sports car?" She looked at the control panel, then back at Rooster Hair, then back at the control panel again. "Is that wot this is?" she asked suddenly, furrowing her brows and looking, really looking at all the controls. It looked like a dashboard, really - a huge, multi-faceted dashboard.

Now that she knew what she was looking at, it was pretty easy to figure out. She just stared for a long moment until the controls became transparent and she could see all the wires inside. "This is dead advanced technology," she commented as she strolled slowly around the console. "It's like nothin' I ever seen before, even. It looks like... aerial controls? Like for an airplane, except..." She reached out and stroked the knob that controlled oxygen levels within the box. "No, not an airplane. A space ship." She looked up at him. "Do ya work for NASA? Is this some new kind of rocket or somefin?" She thought of how the outside looked; that deep blue police box. "The exterior design is dead tacky, mate," she said, curling her lip in disgust. Then she went back to searching the dashboard.

"That's weird though," she said. "It's almost like it doesn't just travel through space... it's almost like it travels through..." She put two and two together with the way it seemed bigger on the inside and understood right away - or thought she did.

"You've got a freaky power from the storm, don't ya?" she asked excitedly, turning her own power off and whirling around to face him again. "The power to build time machines or somefin. Yeah?"
Pinching the bridge of his nose, the Doctor cringed. He was ready to correct her, in fact he was already pointing out to himelf that whenever humans attempted to pretend to understand what was clearly obvious around them...

They never managed to surprise him as much as this girl just did. The deduction was so precise, so... Almost-- Like something he would have said.

"Whot?!" Well, almost. He marched his way up to the control panel to pry her fingers away from it. "Tacky?!" He gestured at their surroundings, finally pointing at the doors once he was before her. "How- You lot love vintage! How can you call tacky such a beauty!" He finally gave her a close look, from toe to the top of her tightly pulled back hair. Didn't she get any headaches with that? "Look at you and your fake fingernails! Only humans would consider that fashionable and sensible everyday accesories!"

Shock slowly disappeared, his features softening as curiosity took over. "The storm?" He hunched his back to be at her eye level, narrowing them as she studied hers. "What do you mean with a storm giving powers?"
"Oi! You talk about mah nails like that one more time and I will break one off in your ear, mate!" She folded her arms over her chest and popped one hip out to the side as if daring him to say more shit about her appearance, but he was off on something else already, talking about the storm.

It was dead weird; she would have thought a bloke like this, with this freaky magic box and shit, would have surely knew about the storm. Maybe he really was an astronaut or some shit.

"I dunno," she said with a shrug. "Ya really don't know about the powers, mate? It woz like this big storm. Happened over a year ago already. Loads of people got these weird powers. Like people all over London. I got one," she explained. "I could read peoples' minds and shit. But then we met those bloke whose power was taking other peoples powers and givin' them to someone else, so I traded mine for somefin better."

She arched one eyebrow and smiled in self-satisfaction. "I'm a fookin' rocket scientist," she declared.
Not many things managed to get the Doctor to gape his mouth in pure awe, but this young lady's story about a storm and the powers it had granted to at least a few humans, few to her knowledge anyway, was like music to his ears.

"A storm granted you with telephatic powers?" He pulled out an otoscope from one of his jacket's inner pockers and, planting his hand on Kelly's head, forced her to turn it to the side in order of examining her ear. "And somone else the power of pushing your cerebral cortex's capacity to the point of achieving what at this time in the history of mankind would be considered uber-human intelligence?" He pulled back, blinking a few times as if he was adjusting to the sight before him.

Oh, God, he could have kissed her right there!

"This is brilliant! Just brilliant!" Letting her go, the Doctor bounced around the TARDIS' control panel, throwing his otoscope in the air and letting it twirl, before catching it again in his palm. "You, oh my dear Mis...?" He realized he hadn't asked her name just yet. Why would he auntil now anyway? "You are just beautiful!"

Edited at 2013-03-29 03:48 am (UTC)
Kelly just furrowed her brows at him like he was totally crackers - which she was pretty sure he was anyway. "Thanks mate, er... ya not so bad yourself or woteva." She wasn't really her type - too fucking skinny - but he wasn't bad looking either.

She reached up and scratched her ear canal, which he'd tickled with his otoscope - did he just keep one of those things in his fucking pocket at all times?! "So wot the fook are ya, anyway?" she couldn't help asking as she went and sat down on one of the benches by the controls. "Are you an astronaut or a doctor or wot?"
His upper lip curled up in a bit of a sneer at the comparison, but it was all an act, a mocking sign of distaste. "An astronaut?" He circled the TARDIS' round instrument panel, hidden behind it as he tweeked with the controls. "No, not a simple doctor either." His head poked from behind the transparent pipes that reached the ceiling. "I'm the Doctor."

After pressing a few buttons and pulling on some levers - with the ocassional smack to a screen here and there -, the Doctor circled the other end of the panel, joining Kelly at the other side now. "And this is a portion of Time and Relative Dimension in Space, a TT Capsule. My TARDIS."
"Your... TARDIS," Kelly repeated, making sure she had it right, then arched one eyebrow at him. She was going to make a sarcastic remark about the name, but when she thought about it, it actually wasn't half-bad. "Just wot it says on the tin, yeah?"

She folded one leg over the other and folded her arms under her breasts, looking over at the entrance where the trail of litter still remained.

"So... wot's with all the trash then?" She wrinkled her nose. "Er... and why's it smell like Ready Brek? Have you got some cookin' up or somefin, 'coz I reckon you're burnin' it, mate."

It was only then she heard the massive thundering footsteps headed directly for the TARDIS.